cute but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near delusion

i woke up pretty late today and my roommate woke up right after me and she was sleeping damn hard 'cause she had sheet wrinkle lines pressed into like every part of her skin that i could see, like she was wearing old people makeup from a community theater.

a real exchange my roommate and i had last night:
"what's your least favorite fish?"
"halibut."
"mine is corn."
"corn isn't a fish."
"exactly."

today i ran out of the office real fast to grab food but then i came right back, the idea being that i could sit at my desk and eat tacos while simultaneously continuing to prepare files for archiving (this means i am unstapling pages of papers).
this meant that it took me a half an hour to eat my fish tacos with pineapple pico de gallo (authentic!), which is longer than usual. because i did it while working, that means i made six dollars while eating a lunch that cost me eleven.

when i pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant, i let two women with a stroller walk across the street while i waited awkwardly behind the crosswalk. one waved a thank you at me. moments passed and the other waved as well. i got two thank you waves for the price of one. i think this adds karmic points that i don't deserve, and if i don't balance the equation before the universe notices, it will overreact and kick me harder than i need to be kicked.
i slammed my hand in the car door and then i sneered at a baby. i feel like everything's gonna be okay.

also my first thought when the second one waved was "all right, threesome chances going up EXPONENTIALLY."

two things i said last night that i thought were hilarious and wanted to add to my "standup act," but in retrospect weren't the funniest things in the world:

"i'll bet that if there's a hooker out there that works for cookies, instead of money, she's a very fat hooker."
which of course brings to mind the idea of a never-ending cycle - a woman works for cookies, she eats the cookies, she gets fat, men stop paying her for sex (no fatties), she starves, she slims down, men notice her, it all starts again.
or a philosophical paradox
(no offense to fat hookers i'm sure you make plenty of money).

"i hate when people don't respect the code of joke telling. when you allow me to tell you a joke, you're entering into a social contract to respect the structure. i say 'knock knock,' you say 'who's there', and so on. i ask a seemingly strange or obvious question, you say 'i don't know.' i hate when people try to answer.
'hey, bill, wanna hear a joke?'
'sure, tim.'
'what did the caterpillar say to the ant?'
'let's get fuzzy?'
FUCK YOU BILL YOU IMPOTENT SWINE"

whenever i make an impotence joke i will use the name bill.

guess why, dude.







this week's girls i would like to marry:







HOLY SHIT:




and the ever present maria bamford, who talked to me once: