jealousy and the awkward triangle.

and we shall begin, as ever, with background:


my great unrequited high school love was a girl named julie. the only half-regrets i may have about things like, say, high school, generally revolve around her (shoulda gone to prom together).
when junior year hit, julie became one of my best friend's girlfriend. yeah, it was one of those situations. he was like her first love. when they broke up, i went for it. it all went south, and my buddy and i stopped talking. for like two years (if you're out there, by the by, and you're eighteen, and you're about to start fighting with your friend over a girl: don't).



he and i grew up. we're really close friends again.


i still talk to her. we hang out, periodically. we dance around shit and we flirt and when she breaks up with whatever boyfriend she's with i ask her out.
she's like my paean to rejection.
i'm that guy she calls in the middle of the night when she has a fight with her boyfriend. i'm the guy she gets drunk and tells, "you know we're gonna end up together, right?" (so what, am i just supposed to wait? how about instead i'm gonna find me a nice girl and not be crazy with her, how about that?) i'm also, apparently, still victim to jealousy (her impression of my roommate and i:
me: oh i just love you so muchhhhhh.
rm: oh i just loooooooovvvvve you.
me: i know its crazy how perfect we are together.
rm: i just love you so muchhhhhh but we can't be together because you are fat and i am shallow and i am insane and you are a hypocrite.
me: i know but it's so hard because i just love you and we're meant to be together!
rm: we're meant to be together but we can't be, let's do some mutual masturbation).


apparently my buddy only talks to her when she booty calls him, which is a whole other blog.



but the truth is, her and i have never actually dated. just "danced around shit," to quoth myself. she told me once that she was in love with me and still is (she just loves her recent boyfriend more).
i never know how to introduce her to people, but i eventually started going with "my ex," which still succinctly sums up our general relationship and my feelings toward her. she heard that and also went with it. so now we're each others exes (do you see why i don't understand relationships?) i've met her boyfriend a couple of times. he likes my music, so i like him (i don't like him at all).


me and a group of my friends went to zombieland. i've known most of these friends for years. most of them know pretty much everything there is to know about me, minus specific sexual fantasies i have about my roommate (what? no).* my old high school buddy was among them.


we stand outside the movie theater, talking excitedly, stuffing down popcorn from that massive american bucket of butter, and i hear him say, under his breath, "oh, shit."
i'm busy, right then, making fun of my friend archie for being asian. i'm somewhere on my third "small dick big math skills" joke when my buddy repeats, "oh, shit."
i am spurred on by his reactions - he must be really enjoying the good natured ribbing (for her pleasure) i'm giving our oriental comrade.
he waves.
i don't understand why he's waving. he must see someone he knows. that makes sense, he's a popular guy. he's skinny and he has a fauxhawk and he wears this cool hoodie with designs on it that -
oh, shit.


julie walks into the center of the group.


everyone freezes.


she hugs my friend. she turns to me.


"hi," she says.


and in an instant, we are standing in a circle of triangle of awkward. her current boyfriend, her past boyfriend, the never-was.


demonstration:


this is actually something nostradamus wrote about, fyi:


in the City of the Mile and High there will be a great thunder,
Two brothers once torn apart by Chaos, while the fortress endured,
will stand hand in hand with the newest Foundation in hornrimmed glasses,
centered by the one who plays Roller Derby, God's game, and is both busty and asian.
it will be all Hella Weird.


my friend, with no idea of what to do, holds his hand out in the high-five position and nods slowly at current boyfriend. current boyfriend sighs and slaps his palm, lightly. they hold together for an instant, at the peak, like a gum commercial, and then slide slowly down.


"well," she says, "we gotta make the movie."


my friend and i meet eyes. our friends are still frozen.


she leaves, taking her boyfriend's hand.


archie looks at me and says, "see what happens when you make fun of asian people?"**





*just kidding, they know all of those. someone comment and tell them about the one in the wrestling ring with macho man doing play-by-play commentary.


**runner up:
chris (immediately after she leaves): do you guys need a hug? ***




a real exchange between my friends and i:
friend 1: who was that girl?
buddy and i: my ex-girlfriend.
buddy and i: no, your ex-girlfriend.
buddy and i: no, my ex-girlfriend.
buddy: jinx.
me: our ex-girlfriend.


a real exchange between me and my best friend, about a MYSTERY PERSON:

me: he's better than me. in every way.
him: i don't see how the two of you can even be compared.
me: me neither. 'cause he's better.
him: in what way is he better?
me: he got the girl, didn't he?
him: YOU WERE NEVER GOING FOR THE GIRL!
him: ARE YOU JUST CRAZY?!?!? IS THAT THE ANSWER??
him: DON'T EVEN TALK, I KNOW I'M RIGHT! THE ANSWER IS THAT YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY.