the perfect wingman (a tribute, to @colinreynolds).

a good wingman, in my opinion, is better looking than you but the same amount of interesting or charming and in no way douchey (unless you, yourself, are douchey. in fact, if you're douchey, and your wingman is not, that's a bad wingman). the perfect wingman is a good wingman who is happily in a relationship with a very nice girl waiting at home. the super perfect ideal wingman is one with whom you know you have perfect chemistry - you could both, say, slip into scottish accents for no good reason, except for the fact that you both KNOW THAT SHIT IS AWESOME.
my friend "fivethree" is the super perfect ideal wingman. (@colinreynolds)

why does this matter? i will tell you now:

here, i believe, are my problems:


a) a problem with introductions.
because i have no real personality, and am incapable of real human interaction, i perform. everything social is, to me, a performance.
some people, like say, my mom or my roommate, are lovely - and know that they're lovely. they expect other people to bring something to the table.
on the other hand, i assume that i am unworthy, and if given your attention, i need to quickly bring something to the table to make myself worthy of you. this is the case for nearly anyone, be it friends, family, or strangers.
so i perform. i stand on my metaphorical stage and i rip into myself and i give you everything i possibly can and at the end of it i'm exhausted and i'm vulnerable and i'm quite possibly wounded but goddamn it, I MADE YOU LIKE ME (hopefully).

however, despite that fact that i can perform, if no one is around to bring me on stage, i don't know how to do that myself.

i am easily the worst ever walk-up-and-talk-to-someone-i-dont-know-er in the history of the world.


b) i like the chase. and therefore have a lot of toruble making a step to anything remotely intimate/vulnerable (i will flirt with you BUT DO NOT ASK ME TO KISS YOU ON THE MOUTH OR TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS).

yeah, so a wingman can't help with this one. it's just here in the interest of full disclosure.


so in the realm of my problems, i'll say a) is about 51 percent, and b) is about 49. meaning a good wingman solves a majority of my problems.


meaning merely the act of sitting with fivethree solves the majority of my problems.


so this is for you, @colinreynolds. a salute. you shall make it possible for me to make a good impression on people of all sorts through a liberal application of charm. you shall bring me confidence and just enough drinks to loosen up. you shall tell jokes at just the right time and enjoy all the same types of drinks and food that i enjoy.


and there will be times. oh yes, fivethree. there shall be times. and i shall buy you waffle fries from the waffle fry house. and if there isn't one of those, i'll become an entrepeneur and build one for you, especially if your help gets me the phone numbers of strippers.


signed with brotherly love, admiration, and all the gratitude in the world,


@2509.

don't you trust this man?